by David Toussaint
EDGE Contributor
Thursday Feb 28, 2008

The other day I was working diligently on a piece of non-fiction, when I was interrupted by one of those annoying chain letters. I despise such e-mails, little cult-ish reminders that if we’re wise enough to send the document on to several people our lives will be enriched with silver and gold; if we’re foolish enough to ignore the instructions, however, a falling building’s headed right toward our skull. I was about to delete the SPAM, when I realized it wasn’t a chain letter at all - it was a quote from Michelle Obama while campaigning for her husband.

It read, "Barack Obama is the only person in this race who understands that, that before we can work on the problems, we need to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation." This was attached to an earlier quote of hers stating that her husband "will never allow you to go back to your lives as usual, uninvolved, uninformed."

I was so high after reading her words I felt like I was walking on water. (I jest, of course; only the Chosen One can perform that miracle.) Little did I know I’m an uninvolved, uninformed, broken-soul leper who naively kind of likes my usual life, but I’m finally beginning to see His presidential light. (With all due respect to the Almighty One, you’ve been replaced by the Almighty Oprah One.) Mrs. Obama’s comment that "for the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of my country," at first made me think her 21st birthday coincided with his winning streak, until I read the add-on, "Life for regular folks has gotten worse over the course of my lifetime, through Republican and Democratic administrations."

Silly this "regular folk": I’d actually been proud of the gay rights achievements that happened in my adult lifetime, especially civil unions and gay marriage. I was proud that a female, as well as an African-American male, could be a contender for President, proud of the Family Leave Bill, proud of my friends and family every day; heck, I even felt a touch of American Pride that day in September my town was mutilated. Where I truly missed the mark was to be foolish enough to think good things happened during those godforsaken ’90s, when the economy was strong and Bill Clinton wanted to build a bridge to the 21st Century. Why build a bridge when you can simply part the sea. Here’s the kicker: I actually thought I might live to see the dumb day when we went back to choosing presidents who believe that faith belongs in a house of worship, not the White House of Worship. I’m so out of touch with my own touchy-feelings, I considered voting for the Democratic candidate most people think is better prepared to lead the country.

"Change is so easy; all you have to do is believe in it," cry the faint-hearted flocks at Obama rallies. It’s the most inspirational thing I’ve witnessed since Jeannie blinked and snow fell on Coco Beach. I got so worked up I changed too - I changed the channel.

The "I’m Okay, You’re Fucked If You Don’t Join Us" idealism of Obama’s candidacy is not new; we’ve witnessed it in Washington for eight years. It’s also not confined to Capitol Hill. Jenny Craig wants you to believe that if you simply join her - and fork over the cash - you’ll look like Valerie Bertinelli, even though those plucky commercials are required to say "Results Not Typical," at the bottom of the screen. The secret of "The Secret" is that riches are guaranteed, unless you’re an infidel who rejects their expensive wisdom. In high school we all rushed to join Pyramid schemes, before doing the math and realizing someone has to end up on the bottom. Life Spring and Direct-Centering told their crowds that all you needed to do was say "Yes" (and give them your credit-card info), for your miracles to be realized. It was miraculous for my boyfriend: After he replied in the affirmative, he lost his friends, home, career, me, and all of his plastic - Debtors Anonymous was his 13th step. And a long time ago in a galaxy not so far away, "est" swept the country with its promise to "rewire" people’s consciousness, until leader Werner Erhard unconsciously disconnected his pocketbook.

Almost every person I know who’s joined a cult, been Born Again, attended a course in miracles, engaged in conversations with god, lived on a dollar and a dream, or tried to saved their marriage by vacationing at Jamaica’s Hedonism resorts, has had one thing in common: an intense emptiness in their lives, usually the result of a tragic period of depression and disillusionment - sound like any country you know? While quick-fix solutions make sense for the short term (like anti-depressants), the notion that there’s a magic potion to solve our problems is not idealistic, it’s unrealistic (like anti-depressants).

Contrary to the group-think Obamania and Obamalujah that’s sweeping the country, Obama’s campaign is exclusive, as it continues to remind us that if we don’t support him, we’re Left Behind. As my writing colleague Lydia Theys, a former ’60s radical, wrote of the senator, "He seems to have deliberately created an age gap, by referring to issues of the past - unresolved issues of the past - as no longer relevant." Of the two candidates she added, "We’re told over and over that he will make history and she simply is history." I haven’t seen this much middle-class fervor since hot tubs hit Marin.

I get bombarded with e-mails from Obama supporters saying, "call me naive, but - unlike you - I still have hope for the country." Were I to call any of these people naive, it wouldn’t be for supporting Obama; it would be for having the self-righteous audacity to tell me I don’t have hope. It’s easy to be a cynic or a subscriber: Learning to see’s the tough part. I would also point out that calling America’s two new favorite four letter words ("Bill" and "Hill") "dysfunctional" and carrying too much "baggage," only points out their own hypocrisy, as those labels are used to describe every couple on earth - at least every mortal couple.

Tina Fey, on her Saturday Night Live "some say potato, some say Hillary endorsement" appearance, hit the mark when she called Hillary a bitch, then added, "bitches get things done." Were the two Democratic contenders TV shows, Barack Obama would be Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, where tragedy-stricken families are pulled out from the abyss, like cripples at sermons, their homes saved and their families taken to weeping and thanking the Great God ABC. Hillary Clinton is more like Roseanne, the show that featured a strong, pushy, not-always-likable woman who ran that dysfunctional, baggage-ridden household with the kind of motherly love you only wish a president could adopt to run the country.

Life, of course, isn’t a TV show, and neither is the country. Life’s also not a sermon, but that’s not stopping Barack Obama from taking the country on one, or his wife, who’s no more running for a place in the White House sun than Bill is. The woman who’d be reluctant to endorse the other democratic candidate knows our only hope is salvation through His guidance, wherever His union may lead us. That’s the problem with embracing prophets; when you follow them into the water, you’re the one who drowns.

www.davidtoussaint.com